Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
