did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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