my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
