If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize