You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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