i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
a search helicopter?!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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