my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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