im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
