The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
