Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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