he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
this hospital has no fireball
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
