Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
