my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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