you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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