I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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