Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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