I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
