So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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