Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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