My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
