I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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