We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
