he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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