Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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