We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
