so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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