You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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