Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize