Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
