to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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