Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
