Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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