we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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