She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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