im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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