I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
