I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
