Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
