I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
