Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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