I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
