Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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