I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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