His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
bring money and cleavage
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
