At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
