Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
