There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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