Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
