Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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