I cannot find my penis.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
