I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you're hired as official boob wrangler
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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