you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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