my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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