Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
